Do you wrap up your year and think about all of the things that you'd intended to do, but didn't? I spent about half of 2019 in therapy, which I highly recommend at some point in one's life. When I saw the word "psychotherapy" on the door of the office, I about got back in my car and peeled the fuck outta there. My armpits smelled like cat pee, and I cleared nearly a box of tissue each sesh. I wasn't there ALL of the time, just once a week. I dreaded it. I utterly hated it. I found myself getting so grumpy and sad days before my appointment, in anticipation of it. Muckin' around in the past seemed so senseless. I'm in my 40s. How on earth would the shit that happened when I was 4 matter today? Friends, turns out, that shit matters, it is partially responsible for morphing you into you.
In your 40s and 50s hormones are on a mother fuckin' roller coaster. It is mid-life (crisis? could be...). My kids need me differently than they used to. I'm staring down a tunnel of accomplishments (or lack there of) wondering who the fuck I am. I'm my worst critic. I was hiding from my friends. I was taking on their divorces, addictions, mental illnesses, hardships, and trying too hard to be the fixer I can't escape from. I was isolating myself, I was feeling lost and overwhelmed. I was nervous my marriage wasn't as tight as I thought it was, watching marriages spin out all around us. I knew I shouldn't have gotten married, I said that when I was growing up, I had no business being married, I'd certainly muck that up. Therapy slowed this down. The things that matter fit in the puzzle, even when I can't fix/control them.
I've learned to step back, just hold onto people when they have hard times, if they need me. I can't fix those times. I can't prevent my marriage from doing whatever it might do as the years advance. I can only hold up my end of the deal. I can keep my brain healthy, sometimes with help, usually with a walk in the woods or the hills. I can keep being the me I have been, but I can set some boundaries. Boundaries? How? I learned methods, I am NOT an expert, it is a work in progress. I still love as hard as I did before, it's not as scary as I thought it was. Things spin out sometimes, I still cry a lot, I walk further on those days.
I am thankful for therapists, my friends (who are sometimes my therapist), the woods, the hills, my dog (even though he drives me batty sometimes), and mostly my marriage and my kids that still need me. Maybe I can't do it all the right way. I can hold up my end of the bargain, and keep learning from the choices I make.
My 2019 Wrap:
- I traveled, with my friends & my family. That'll remain at the tippy top of my list forever, even if it is just to camp beside a lake 45 miles away.
- I adventured, more bike rides (like this one and this one) and ski trips (like this one) in 2019. They bump me out of my comfort zone and are always my favorite memories.
- I doula(ed), and after much thought, this may be something I remove from my career vision for a spell. I feel fortunate to wrap this up with one of the most precious stormy entries halfway through 2019.
- We hosted some Finnish elves, that I hope we visit in their magical land, very soon.
- I created several new products, that are now in our rainbow shop, with hopes to expand the rainbow business (out of this state, maybe into yours?). I grew my oil business, and started some very uncomfortable weekly wellness videos.
- I took an aromatherapy certification course, and am awaiting the results of my test.
- I'm became a honeybee mama (big post coming in 2020) and hopefully still will be in the spring.
- I (we) made bread, ate bread, grew a garden, and ate food I grew, canned food I grew and used herbs I grew.
- I watched the sun set and the sun rise, dipped in cold streams and warm mineral pools. I'll keep doing these things until I die.
- I celebrated people I love, both with us and no longer.
- I went on a second honeymoon, to New York City, with my favorite, and I can't wait until the third.
I'm pretty certain 2020 holds magic, it just has to. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that the political world doesn't take another screaming dive. I've been witness to big shifts in mental health in the past few years, I'm sure you too have been. These things are all connected. We need a positive resurgence and big changes for our climate and this country. These shifts are constantly on my mind. I'm hopeful to make differences, even if they are small. Do you know about Arcadia? You should check it out. I'm thankful for people in my world, teaching me about small changes I can make.
I love new ideas. Keep them coming. We're all in this together. Peace and love in 2020!